I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this past week. I had been nervous to find results and share again. Well because it’s a lot to share and it’s scary to share for me, maybe not for everyone. To each his own.

After replaying what could be the outcome in different possibilities and what each could mean. Been through mulitple “what-if’s” in my head. Which wasn’t very helpful yet it was necessary to go through some process of possibilities. And finding grace through it. That word grace has been a couple years of understanding and learning it’s depth. It’s become one of my fav’s.

I found out through a series of intake, tests, bloodwork, scans, and more tests that following my gut– even if it was by grace. There it is again, the word grace. Through much of my family and spouse.

That I don’t have bipolar.

I’ve lived with this diagnosis for about 15 years.  And as a friend who worked some acupuncture magic on me said, it’s okay to to just sit and hold it [your pain and trauma] for a minute. To let yourself hold that, let yourself be in what that really means.

What was a relief came with a surprising- you have one of the healthiest brains I’ve seen in a long time. Yet– what does all these other symptoms mean then? What is going on?

I have damaged temporal lobes. Trauma induced. PTSD. Sleep is a struggle. Always has been. High testosterone, possibly polycistic ovarian syndrome (PCOS)– not confirmed and which if I do, I’m very lucky to have children.  Which if you know me personally, sports and athletics was a natural go to since childhood. My thyriod was functional yet still low–still producing both hormones. My iron is low, vitamin D is low and my blood sugar is high. The lack of sleep, stress–just a little [cake it with sarcasm– we’ve have an unrelenting level of stress for the past 5 years] and hormonal changes along with the damaged lobes. This combination produces symptoms that look very similar to bipolar– they can cause severe depression, anxiety, mood changes, irritability, high religiosity, obsessive writing or drawing. Both of which I do–always have.

What it may have meant–well it doesn’t really matter what it was. Cause I’ve lived with the shock. The hurt. The blasphamy of how am I supposed to digest this? It was a teenagers perspective. Which well sadly wasn’t great.  Been through a myriad of medications. Been through doctors visits. Bloodwork. Nothing really changed much, cause it wasn’t really being addressed. The source was an attempt at best to find an educated guess on what to do.

The past few years struggling to take back my life–well it hasn’t been pretty. And diving into a serious of personal development as well as business ventures that weren’t for me. If I have called you or offended you I formally apologize here. As soon as I really knew it wasn’t for me and Chewy did too, our business with his practice has seen strides. And they say the first years of opening a business are “growing pains”—it seems to be very true. Which resulted in much growth too. A double edged sword. He’s a great phsyician.  Probably one of the best chiropractors I’ve been around. And I can say that objectively because I was there in his schooling and remember being a test dummy for his first adjustments. It’s night and day folks.

The biggest strength I have found from this expletive is to trust your intuition.

Cause if we hadn’t made silly mistakes– we wouldn’t understand and appreciate where we are now. When rational choices are there and your gut says to do something, go do that.

When I lived in Seattle away from Chewy for a summer—lots of rational factors pulled me in either direction. And going didn’t make our relationship easier. It was a hard decision. And 6 months later I remember feeling so overjoyed and pregnant. The joy was for not understanding God’s timing– and also in understanding that I went back because of my intuition–and what came of it was a greater love for my family and my family-in-laws. I felt so loved from both. And when you have in-laws sometimes it’s tricky and if it isn’t at some point it probably will be.  With that, that time away from Chewy really brought home the concept that your marraige becomes a bridge or a post for your children. When you yourself aren’t well and struggles happen–your family shows you how to love with an unconditional compassion. It was a hard choice. Yet, I couldn’t know that the outcome would be so sweet.

When I realized this window of heaven and grace entered in with it’s capacity the only way grace does.

When it’s least expected.

Chewy and I were on our way to Marrietta, Georgia. We were invited to a conference called Speak Up and Lead, hosted by Dr. Plasker. Chewy had met him while creating a chiropractic podcast in school. The podcast was super nerdy and really made most sense to Chiropractors and #chirowives. Sort of boring if you aren’t super into nutrition or neurology or business. This trip was our first business date weekend. Our small “baby moon.” It seemed really nice from all the changes and we welcomed it. We had Chewy’s mom come to watch Kaemon.

It was there in Georgia we began to share our stories and why Chiropractic meant so much to us and how it changed us. This was the first time I stood up and shared my story of depression, medications, and how Chiropractic changed my life.

I spoke my story to a group of 20 to 30 strangers in the home of a family–who simply wanted to help us be better prepared for opening our lives and leading in our communities. That weekend Chewy and I sat and listened to miraculous stories of lives changed and transformed through going with their belief in a better way for health and wellness.

After the first day, Chewy leaned over to me and said, “I have to change my entire speech… most of it was statistics and numbers.” We smiled at each other (he’s so NERDY). Knowing that this was a little different. It was the first time he wrote and spoke with his heart and became increasingly soft and vulnerable. When someone as large as Chewy speaks with his heart–it really resonates with each person’s soul and we understood each other with fresh eyes. And after wards we started to see how these 20-30 strangers became our friends.

I share this because I didn’t know what that meant. Dr. Plasker would have us sit and retell it and give us a nudge. I told part of my story. Then we had different time restrictions. Some shorter some much longer. And after one 2 minute speach he said to me, “Now say it like you believe it.”

That struck a cord. Of course I believe it! Right? Yet–I’ve been so engrained with one way of care since I was a teenager. How could something not be there? What does that mean for all the love and care my family has sacrificed for me?

After years of being my partner and spouse–he adimately went against the grain and told pretty much everyone he didn’t believe in the diagnosis. Well living with me he was the one who really knew right? Not according to most professionals, psychiatrists, counselors and even my family. They never made sense to him. And even in school I often wondered why he wouldn’t accept it. It created a lot of hardship and tension. And if anyone who has really lived with someone knows what’s coming is a big deal.

HE WAS RIGHT. 

And I couldn’t be more happy he was. I still have anxiety and depression. My goal with self discovery was how can I help more people, who live with a Mental Illness, LIVE WELL, live big DREAMS and CREATE a better future! I’m not sure what the future holds. There’s still a lot of healing ahead. Yet, I want to say….

Whatever you struggle with and even if it’s a very heavy reality of bipolar or schizophrenia or a learning disorder. You have more to share. If your brain is different or isn’t making sense. TRUST YOUR HEART.  That’s what it’s for. To see what our brain and eyes lack.

I recently read a book called The Alchemist, after reading Mel Robbin’s The 5 second Rule, which helps with overcoming anxiety. She reccomended The Alchemist. In this book the boy in the story is searching for his treasure. He has life changing experiences and also has the chance to conversate with the Sun and the Wind–yes it’s quite fictional.

The essence is they are arguing about what it means to LOVE. The boy says both the SUN and the WIND are wrong about love. To which both are offended upon hearing that. He says LOVE has the ability to transform.  Please, go find something or someone you love so much, that it transforms you.

The best love that I know that transforms someone is tied to the word grace.